


Bungee Cum 2: Electric Boogaloo

by orphan_account



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Awkward Boners, Awkward Flirting, Biting, Canon Universe, Crack, Euphemisms, Flirting, Handcuffs, Hisoka's Bungee Gum Nen Ability (Hunter X Hunter), Horny people have no rights, Humor, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Marriage Proposal, Public Display of Affection, Public Nudity, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:27:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24956068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: 5 times Illumi flirts with Hisoka and.... let's be real, it's way more than 5 times, and he absolutely sucks at it. Hisoka likes it, though.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 44
Kudos: 189





	Bungee Cum 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WordsByMarcy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsByMarcy/gifts).



> The sequel that didn't need to exist, but I couldn't help myself.

It’d been some time since Hisoka had turned Illumi down at his door in Heaven’s Area, but Illumi’s quest for clown cock hadn’t ceased. As the popular saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. That would be applicable if one were to assume Illumi  _ had _ a heart and was capable of such feelings, but as all metaphors are, sometimes there needs to be a suspension of disbelief. 

He’d made himself useful, though. When Hisoka needed him for a switcheroo to fight Chrollo back in Yorknew, he was there, able to contort his body into a perfect replica of the clown in order to trick Chrollo. Hisoka had returned the favor when Illumi needed help tracking down his siblings that had escaped from the estate. He’d been strictly professional with Hisoka during those missions, but caught word that Hisoka was looking to start fights up again at Heavens Arena, which made him a bit suspicious that Hisoka was moving back towards his….original nature.... A few phone calls later, and he found himself at dinner with him at a fancy restaurant that Hisoka had selected. 

“Hisoka, when are you free,” said Illumi over the phone for the fifth time that day. Hisoka had let all of his other calls go to voicemail, but because his voicemail started with “Hi, Hisoka here……. Just kidding” he had gotten duped. Fortunately for Illumi this time, he’d picked up this call. 

“Hmmmm that depends,” said Hisoka, chewing on something on the other end of the line. Illumi pulled the phone away from his ear.

“Depends on what?”

“I’m only free if you’re proposing something interesting,” said Hisoka. 

“Fine. 

“Getting straighter to the point than your needles,” Hisoka laughed at his own bad joke. “I’m honestly flattered, Illumi, but at least take a man out to dinner first, then I’ll decide if I’m in the mood for something.”

Illumi’s fish eyes widened more than they usually were, which was almost physically impossible. While he didn’t  _ think _ it was going to be this easy, he had secretly hoped Hisoka would drop the games and give him a more direct answer. 

“Great. I’m free tonight, you suggested dinner therefore you pick the avenue,” said Illumi, looking for an excuse to further the conversation. Hisoka had tended to keep things strictly business professional between them for the past few months. But something about his demeanor seemed a bit more back to normal. 

Hisoka had suggested a fancier restaurant, nothing Illumi minded, but it made it feel like they were going out on an actual date for once. Flash forward to the date, and Illumi was oddly surprised at first. This definitely  _ was _ somewhat of a date. Unfortunately, this was Hisoka he was dealing with, so the romance was strictly lacking, especially since Hisoka had been talking about his….personal issues….at the dinner table for the past half hour. 

“Fortunately, I was able to find a nen exorcist to remove the accidental nen condition I set on my dick months ago,” said Hisoka, swirling the wine in his glass as he recounted the tale. His sharp nails clicked against the side of it, and Illumi could only focus on trying to figure out exactly  _ how _ sharp they were and how easy they could tear through human flesh. Since getting cockblocked for the first time, he’d definitely done his research. “It was such a pain, I had to contact so many different exorcists because none of them would take me seriously. That proved to be a fruitless effort at first, especially since the first one turned out to be a fraud who just sucked my flaccid cock for half an hour-”

Illumi’s grip tensed up, causing the knife he was using to cut his meat go right through his plate. 

“Oh?” mused Hisoka, noticing the jealous Illumi before him. Illumi didn’t need to check his pulse to notice that his pulse had skyrocketed.

“My knife slipped,” lied Illumi, wiping his mouth with his napkin. It was a perfectly reasonable assertion, normal people were known to drop their dining utensils from time to time. 

“Well, at least we won’t have to worry about your pants slipping,” said Hisoka, gesturing with his fork towards Illumi. He looked down and noticed an obvious tent welling up in his lap. He grabbed his napkin and dropped it down. “Before you ask, it was a wild guess. A gamble, of sorts, but your reaction proves me right.”

“You seem rather fixated on my nether regions, is this a proposition?” asked Illumi, feeling the crunch of porcelain plate bits as he chewed down on the meat. Hm, he probably should have checked the pieces better, not that this would be a problem for him anyways as his digestive system could handle many different types of poisons and other inedible materials. What was a little plate to add to the mix?

“A proposition for  _ what _ ?” asked Hisoka, his yellow eyes laced with mischief. “You’re always so  _ vague _ , Illumi.”

“Hisoka.” Illumi stood up at the table, fully pissed off now at how coy the magician was being. “It was about sex. I was asking if you wanted to fuck me.”

Everyone else in the restaurant started to stare uncomfortably but Illumi didn’t care, he just needed to get Hisoka as turned on as he possibly could to woo him over. There were a few things that Illumi knew for  _ sure _ turned Hisoka on: fighting strong opponents, making other people uncomfortable, and the bungee gum commercial jingle. He was going for the second option right now, but wasn’t opposed to taking things out back for a dirty fight. 

“Here? In front of the customers? Illumi, you dirty boy, there are  _ children _ here,” Hisoka said, clicking his tongue to reprimand him. 

“I didn’t think you cared about that kind of thing,” Illumi muttered under his breath. He decided he needed to be more direct. He sat back down in his seat once the other patrons seemed to stop staring. “Let’s leave here, then I’ll take you back to my place so we can  _ get it on. _ ” In an effort to make himself more appealing during foreplay, Illumi had scoured online dictionaries to properly educate himself. In addition, he also had watched almost every genre of porn to exist. Unfortunately, they didn’t do much for him since he was overly fixated on one specific thing: clown sex. 

“Give me a reason to come,” mused Hisoka, his mouth twisting into a devious smirk. “Only then will I show you what exactly it is I can  _ get  _ on.” Illumi felt a taste of displeasure in his mouth that could be attributed to the inedible substances that make up porcelain, but instead he focused his attention onto Hisoka. Was this part of the test? Perhaps it was. 

“I’d take you right here and now but getting arrested for indecent exposure is  _ not _ on my to-do list,” blurted out Illumi with his own special charm. He remembered afterwards that Hisoka had mentioned being turned on by forwardness, so hopefully this worked. Suddenly, Hisoka’s expression changed, and his eyes narrowed again as he rolled his tongue over his lips, most likely horny at the thought of going at it in the middle of a fancy restaurant. 

“I know we just ate, but wow, am I suddenly hungry again,” he purred, his sharp nails ceasing their tapping against the table only to be dug into it. “You do know what I’m hungry for, don’t you Illumi.”

“Naturally,” murmured Illumi. Hisoka dragged his nails along the table more as they eye fucked each other from opposite sides of the table. Illumi felt Hisoka’s other hand reaching under the table and riding up his thigh, feeling him up. Fuck, Illumi was more turned on now than he had been the last time he was truly horny. 

“Would you like a split check?” asked the uncomfortable waiter, who had been awkwardly trying to approach the table for the past ten minutes while these two were emitting sexual lust so strong that the other customers had to be evacuated. 

“Single check. We’ve decided to formally make this a date,” said Illumi, pushing his broken plate to the side. The waiter’s eye twitched twice as he looked at the scratch marks Hisoka left on the table. “You’re paying, that’s probably going to cost more.”

“The absolute demand with which you ordered that, oh Illumi, you’re certainly being harsh to my genitals,” sighed Hisoka, reaching down into his crotch pocket to pull out his wallet. “And making  _ me _ pay on our first date, you’re such a gold digger.”

“Hisoka, I could  _ buy  _ you,” snapped Illumi referencing the Zoldyck fortune. He almost got turned off thinking of the uncomfortable conversation that would entail with his parents, but fortunately Hisoka dug his nails into his thigh, returning his train of thought back to the station.

“Treat me nicely when you play with me,” said Hisoka in a husky voice, keeping his other hand down in his crotch pocket for far longer than he probably should have. Illumi wondered if he was jerking himself off under the table or if he was looking for some coins that fell out. Knowing Hisoka, it was probably both. “I hope you’ve saved room for dessert.”

“Dessert?” Illumi was almost drooling with anticipation but had to keep his composure. Quick, think of something totally unsexy. His mind flashed back to the Heavens Arena match when he was stuck between two of Hisoka’s stans as they lusted over him publicly and felt himself become more at ease. 

Finally taking his hand out of his crotch pocket with a single jenny between his fingers, Hisoka then proceeded to finger his coin purse with such tact movements that Illumi couldn’t help but fixate on it. 

“But of course, Illumi dearest. Hopefully you’re in the mood for some elastic, rubbery,  _ tasty, _ bungee cum-”

“Ehem. Sir, the restaurant is closing,” said the waiter with a voice crack, social distancing himself from six feet away. “And by the way, we do  _ not _ serve that here.” 

Hisoka counted all the jenny from his stupid little pouch as a drug dealer would. Again, another profession that Illumi had more respect for than he did for Hisoka. He assumed his feelings were mutual, though. 

“It said in your advertisements that the restaurant closes at eleven,” said Illumi, but it was futile for the rest of the staff that hadn’t evacuated yet were turning the clocks forwards. Illumi wasn’t dense. This was an attempt to kick them out. But hey, whatever got him alone time with Hisoka faster, he wasn’t one to complain. “Ah. I see. Carry on.” The waiter took the warm jenny from Hisoka’s hand and gave him a receipt for the meal. 

They hardly waited until they were out of the restaurant before Illumi pushed Hisoka up against the wall and mashed their lips together, his lips tasting exactly like how he imagined bungee gum to taste. It was wet and sloppy, but it wasn’t as if Illumi had kissed many times before in his life, as his only practice ever was to insure that he could be a honeypot assassin if such a situation occurred. They kissed again and again, Illumi pausing briefly to flag down a taxi while still getting felt up by Hisoka. After being rejected by two who simply drove off, they eventually got one and were able to go to the hotel room Illumi was staying in for the time being. Luckily for the driver, it was only a short ride. 

“Do you have any condoms on you?” asked Illumi, pausing the makeout session as they entered his room. Hisoka looked back up at him, the star and teardrop smeared slightly. Illumi would be lying if he said he didn’t want to see those absolutely ruined by the end of the night. He traced his thumb along the star on Hisoka’s cheek to smear it  _ just _ a little bit more. 

“Hmm? Condoms? Whatever could those be for,” said Hisoka, playing dumb. “I’ll have you know in some places of the world, they call condoms “rubbers”, and well, you of all people know what  _ else _ has the properties of both rubber-”

“-and gum, it’s bungee gum,” said Illumi, deadpanning the rest of the jungle. “Fine. I have some in my nightstand. I’m not going to have sex with you without a condom,  _ especially _ since you’re going off getting your dick sucked by “nen exorcists” for fun.” Was he ever going to let this go? No. Was he still jealous? Oh, absolutely. Did Hisoka care? Judging from his reaction, no, he did not. 

“You’re such a  _ naughty _ boy, Illumi,” purred Hisoka, one hand running up his own neck and the other inching closer and closer to his crotch. He sat down on Illumi’s bed, which normally Illumi would have yelled at him for since he was still in his street clothes (which were dirty, of course) but he was too horny to think straight. “Sex before marriage? What would your family think?” Hisoka rocked his lip between his teeth, once again triggering signals within Illumi that reminded him why he was attracted to this clown in the first place. 

“I have no intention of letting my family know about this. I prefer to talk to them strictly about business; they don’t need to know about my personal life,” said Illumi, eyes focused on the way Hisoka was chewing on his lip with such vigor he might as well have been kneading a piece of bungee gum between his teeth. 

“Oh?” inquired Hisoka with a saucy undertone, giving Illumi the good ol ‘up and down’ look. “I didn’t know you  _ had _ a personal life. Besides, I’m not one to keep my conquests a secret, where’s the fun in that? A little bird might catch wind of this, and well, I’m not sure I want all of the famed Zoldyck assassins riding my ass-” Hisoka’s eyes widened before they rolled back into his head. “On second thought-”

“What are you hoping to achieve with this? Are you merely stalling, or-” Illumi paused and looked at the horny clown of a man in front of him who looked just about ready to jizz his pants at the thought of getting killed by Illumi’s relatives. He took a deep breath and considered all the life choices that led him up to this place. Did he really want to fuck him?  _ This _ bastard?

Yeah. 

But that's besides the point. 

“Fine, let’s get married,” said Illumi, stepping with one foot onto the bed so his foot was next to where Hisoka was sitting. He leaned in closer to the point where he was almost on top of Hisoka. 

“You know I wasn’t actually serious-”

Pins brushed against the back of Hisoka’s neck as he loomed ominously over him, strands of his own dark hair falling into his line of vision. Hisoka trembled and moaned at the sensation, a blush visible through the caked on makeup.

“Or I’ll kill you.” Illumi’s words seemed to pierce through the clown of a man, causing his mouth to contort into a twisted smile. 

“When you ask like that, I can’t resist.” Hisoka’s honeyed voice was all it took for Illumi’s stoic expression to lift off. Slightly. “But seriously, no ring? Am I really such an afterthought to you,  _ dearest? _ ”

“I’d tell you to go fuck yourself but that defeats the purpose of me inviting you here,” sighed Illumi, pushing the pins into Hisoka’s neck slightly so they drew blood. Hisoka whimpered. “Do you _want_ me to kill you?”  
“Yes,” whispered Hisoka into Illumi’s ear, hot and breathy. “Do it now. You won’t.” It was an enticing offer. If Illumi were exactly 3% less horny then he would have plunged the needles dead into his neck and ended it right here and now. Fortunately for the both of him, his lust for clown proved to be a stronger emotion than his assassin desires. 

“Maybe later,” said Illumi, pulling the pins away, still looming over Hisoka. “I’ll keep you on your toes.”

“Keep me off them for now,” said Hisoka, grabbing onto Illumi’s shirt and pulling him onto the bed with him, backwards, lips interlocked again. As the makeout session commenced, Illumi’s hand trailed down Hisoka’s back before he found his target. Suddenly, Illumi dug his nails in. 

“Is your ass padded with bungee gum?” asked Illumi, feeling around like he was kneading dough. 

“A magician never reveals his secrets~”

“And here I assumed you were naturally-” Illumi thought back to one of those words he saw on Milluki’s search history. “Thicc.” Suddenly Illumi felt his own ass being grabbed. 

“I mean if it came  _ from _ me isn’t it natural?” 

“I’m not going to argue the logistics of using bungee gum to modify your body. It’d be as natural as me using my pins as enhancement-... don’t give me that look, it’s not going to happen.”

“Not even if I say please?”

“Especially not.”

“Ohh, it does things to me when you deny me,” said Hisoka before giving Illumi a hickey on his neck that would definitely be a pain in the ass to hide tomorrow morning. 

“Speaking of denial, that reminds me: before we proceed, we need to establish a safeword,” said Illumi, remembering what he had learned in the research he had done. “It has to be something neither of us would normally say during sex.”

“How about Chrollo?” joked Hisoka. Illumi smiled but it looked more like he was barring his teeth because his eyes stayed the same. 

“Fine. You reap what you sow,” said Illumi. 

“I know what  _ I _ want to sow,” said Hisoka, brushing a bit of Illumi’s hair out of his face. Illumi allowed this. Once. 

“Hold your wrists out,” said Illumi, whipping out a pair of handcuffs. The metal clanked together as he dangled them out. “I’m chaining you to the bed.” He grabbed Hisoka by the wrist and started to fasten one before Hisoka jerked his limp hand back. 

“Chrollo! Chrollo! Are you  _ trying _ to get my wrists hurt, they’re sensitive,” whined Hisoka, rubbing his one wrist with his hand in a motion that reminded Illumi distinctly of how a handjob looked. He wasn’t sure if Hisoka was doing this on purpose or if he was just Like That. As soon as he diverted his attention away from Hisoka’s wrists, he was unpleasantly surprised by the sight he saw. “I think… we need to change the safeword.” Hisoka looked down at his ‘one clown circus tent’ in his lap bashfully. 

“Are you seriously getting turned on just from mentioning Chrollo,” said Illumi, feeling jealous once again. “Fine. I’m changing it to “bungee gum” because that’s one thing that will definitely take me out of the mood.”

“What if I scream out bungee gum when I come.”

“I despise you,” said Illumi, pushing him down onto the bed and straddling his legs over Hisoka’s waist. “Even if you are merely joking around, the fact you thought of that makes me want to seal those lips of yours shut.” Illumi forced his fingers into Hisoka’s mouth. He had seen this done in the porn he found on Milluki’s computer and assumed it was “sexy”. 

What he didn’t know was that Hisoka did  _ not _ like that. How did he know this? From the sudden blood dripping down his fingers. Illumi left them in his mouth as Hisoka unclenched his jaw. 

“You bit me.”

“You stuck your fingers in my mouth,” pouted Hisoka, licking the blood off his lips before shuddering. He said it as if it was a natural cause and effect. Illumi wiped his hand off on the sheets. He’d change them tomorrow. Hopefully that wasn’t the only stain that would get left on there. 

“I’m trying to be sexy,” said Illumi, sitting back down on the bed and pulling a hair tie off his wrist to tie all of his luscious black hair back. “What more do you want,  _ brat _ ?” It had just slipped out, but he remembered soon after that this was one thing he’d done to turn Hisoka on in the past on accident. 

“Try...harder,” moaned Hisoka. “I’m getting harder.”

“Finally,” muttered Illumi under his breath. He grabbed Hisoka’s shirt and pulled it off, only to wish he’d kept it on. Where before he had made a trashy temporary tattoo of “Hisoka x Illumi” surrounded in a heart, the sight before him was worse.  _ Ten times worse. _

“Bungee cum dispenser,” said Illumi, looking down at the words that preceded the arrow pointing to the hiso-cock. “I’m going to snap it in half-”

“Yes, daddy,” moaned Hisoka, but the moment Illumi had his hands wrapped around his cock he bolted upright. “Bungee gum! I need that. I won’t be able to have your children if you break it now.”

“I’d be doing the world a favor if I never let you procreate,” stated Illumi, loosening his grip. “Your contradictions are rather fascinating to me. You clearly get turned on by my assertions, yet you freak out every time I try to go through with them.”

“Do I?” said Hisoka, coyly, pawing at Illumi’s shirt. “Take this off, it’s only fair.” He was obviously trying to change the subject. 

“No. Allow me to stick my cock in your ass.”

“Say  _ please _ , Illumi, it’s not nice to enter without a knock,” purred Hisoka. He ran his hands up underneath Illumi’s shirt to feel him up. “This is the most fucked up foreplay I’ve ever had in my entire life, and that’s saying something because I’ve had some pretty bad foreplay before. I’m totally into it, though.” Illumi ignored the insulting half of Hisoka’s statement.

“You’re all bark and no bite, you do know that, right?” said Illumi, 

“Would you like me to bite you again,” said Hisoka, licking his lips. He put his finger up to his mouth and pouted when Illumi seemed like he was barely reacting to this. “And must we complicate things? Is there nothing more passionate than the two of us getting it on like honeymoon lovers on their first night together?”

“We’re not honeymoon lovers or whatever you say we are-”

“But we’re getting married, aren’t we? Honestly, I think it’s for the better, just simple, passionate, missionary sex-”

“Based on your track record I’m more surprised that you’re vanilla, but I’ll take it,” said Illumi trying to give Hisoka a kiss while he went to grab the lube from his nightstand. Hisoka pulled away. 

“Hold on, I need to go tinkle,” he said, jumping off the bed and skirting over to the bathroom. He shut the door, and locked it. Illumi shrugged and waited for him to be finished. 

“Aren’t you going to go too?” asked Hisoka, not bothering to put his pants back on. “It’s improper not to pee before sex.”

“Since when do you care what’s proper and what’s not,” muttered Illumi. Hisoka batted his eyes at him, causing Illumi’s nose to scrunch up. 

“Fine, I’ll go relieve myself if it makes you feel better,” said Illumi, pushing Hisoka out of the way so he could go take a pre-sex piss. 

“Oh, the things you do for me,” said Hisoka as the door slammed shut. This was probably for the better. Hisoka was right, though, it was easier to avoid infections this way. Illumi never thought he’d see the day where he’d get schooled in sex education by Hisoka, but there was a first for everything. 

Illumi washed his hands and opened the door. He froze. There was a noticeable absence of horny energy in the room, stemming from the displacement of the epicenter: Hisoka. He was  _ gone _ . The bastard had somehow made a dramatic escape, leaving his clothes scattered around the room.

Illumi looked over towards the curtains of his room which were swaying from the breeze that being on the 14th floor of the building brought him. He narrowed his eyes as he looked out the window, but Hisoka was nowhere to be seen. That magician really  _ had _ done a vanishing act, disappearing into the night, completely naked. Absolutely distraught, Illumi sat down on the bed and noticed a written note folded on top of a pink thong that Hisoka had left there. He quickly threw the undergarment into the trash but then opened the note. In Hisoka’s cursive handwriting, it read:

“Let’s play a game of hide and seek, two months, ‘kay? Winner gets to make the loser do whatever they want <3 (and I know what  _ you _ want, ;))) If I find you, we’re getting married the day after. We  _ are _ engaged, afterall. Save the date, Illumi, can’t wait to find you-  ⭐-_-💧 ”

Illumi sat on the bed with another clown induced boner, yet no clown to deal with it. He folded the letter crisply before setting it down on his nightstand. The sneaky magician had made a clown of him twice in a row. Oh, he was  _ definitely _ going to find Hisoka. Challenge accepted. 

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't commit to writing clown sex. No idea if I'm going to write a 3rd one because let's be real how many different ways can I actually cockblock Illumi before I cave. Congrats on their engagement, though, I guess xD. Special shoutout again to my friend for beta reading ;3


End file.
